I was looking over old conversations I’d had when I was younger, four years ago to be exact. And honestly, that’s like, one of the worst times I had in my life, and if at all possible, I try and avoid it. Though sometimes I run over it, or accidentally stumble upon it. When I do that, there’s no way to avoid it. At that point though, I reflect, remember some things, and see what’s come from it. Because, at that point in my life, I made a lot of mistakes, but I don’t regret a single one. It was something I wanted to do at that point, and they were all lessons, I needed to learn.
So I sat here today, looking through things, seeing what I did, who I dated, how long, those kinds of things. I saw myself trying my hardest to be something I wasn’t just to please those around me. I saw myself trying my best to satisfy someone insatiable in an attempt to keep them. And I shook my head at myself. My first thought was ‘I was so fucking stupid.’ but that’s not true. If I hadn’t had those experiences, I wouldn’t know what I do now, I would still be ignorant. I had to try and please everyone to see that, it was impossible and no one liked you any more or less. To see that at least when I’m 100% myself people and see that and respect me for it. I had to be young and foolish, and fall head over heels to know what I expected of love. And I had to loose it, to know how precious it could be.
I had to feel betrayed, to know what it was like to really have something, to have someone on your side. And I had to experience hate to experience love. More over, I had to learn to love myself before I could really learn to love someone else. And one of the things that shocked me, was a message I’d sent to an ex saying, ‘well you know you could compliment me once and a while.’ For the love of god, my girlfriend calls me handsome and I say ‘I know.’ When did that happen?
Its kind of like you wake up one day, and everything makes sense. You’ve learned something from everything. You’ve learned what really matters and what really doesn’t. You haven’t become jaded, you’ve simply learned to question things not take them as they come. Learned to crave for knowledge, and learned in the end the only one that can help you, is you. Honestly, you also learn to forgive those who hurt you. It doesn’t matter what they did, they taught you something, sitting around, hating them, you’re still giving them the power to control you, and your thoughts. So if they really hurt you, they don’t deserve that.
I think what I’m really trying to say, is that I’m shocked how much I grew up. How when I thought I knew everything I knew nothing especially compared to what I know now. Though, even now I’m so aware there is so much in life I’m ignorant to. But that’s okay, I’m not supposed to know it all at once, that’s what growing up is. And a few years in my life, that I thought would leave scars forever. Not so much, it’s not pain, it’s a reminder. A reminder of mistakes, of loss, and of hurt.
But the thing is, I can look at my girlfriend right now, and say ‘I love you, and I want to marry you one day.’ and I damn well know I mean it. If those years were to be erased from my life, I wouldn’t have the slightest clue what that actually meant or how precious it was that I felt that way, or how even so more precious she did also. Everything in your life, that is wrong, every mistake, every cut, every knife in your back, every drop of blood sweat and tears, it hurts…it hurts bad, and it takes a while to heal, but it teaches you something. And it opens doors for you. The fact of it all is, without those bad experiences, without those mistakes, and wounds so deep we think we’ll die, we are nothing.
Late Night Musings.
On my bedroom door I keep things people made me in high school. Memories, pictures people drew me, over decorated notes, or my name made artistic; pleasant things. But nestled among these is a single, lined sheet of paper with a poem written in pencil, titled ‘Poem (: ‘. And at first this seems another of the pleasantries, until one is to read it. And then it’s true depressive nature becomes obvious. If anyone ever questions I simply pass it off as an irrelevant gift, a display of talent that was awarded to me, by a friend.
But I will never throw that poem away, because that would be like throwing my past away. I regard my mistakes as lessons and I don’t regret them or forget what I’ve learned. And my lesson hangs on my door. Because the truth is, it was written for me, in what I can only imagine was inner turmoil on the author’s part. But that poem means so much to me, for many reasons. It symbolizes what I’ve over come, what we’ve overcome, and if I feel too weak, it is there to remind me that at one point my life was harder, at one point I’d done worse things, and at one point I was more alone.
To be responsible for ruining someone’s hopes and dreams, the only person you care about, who at the time you mistakenly have decided you love. That is not a feeling I wish upon anyone. I wanted to die. Truly. And as far as I was concerned no one would miss me. Except her, there I’d gone and ruined everything for her, and she so desperately wanted me alive. It wasn’t romantic love, not at all, but that is true love for someone.
So you see now, I look back and I remind myself that actions do have consequences, and sometimes very brutal ones at that. I learned that things are never as bad as they seem. There is always light no matter how dim the situation seems, and you’ll survive; one day it will be over. But most of all I think I learned that I really am loved, not the romantic kind, the kind of love you die for someone for. That’s the best kind to me.
Here I am now, years later, I still have that poem, and the girl who was my best friend is now my sister. I was convinced I was in love with her, and that she would never be able to do anything but hate me, for ruining everything. I’ve never been good at reading my own emotions, much less someone else’s. And that’s to say the least.
Though I have to say now, I’m thankful she was and still is in my life, not because I have some weird month long teenage crush, but because she really is like a sister to me. She keeps me sane at my worst, and laughs with me at my best. And I can’t wait to get an apartment and a cat with her, attend each other’s weddings, and one day open our salon and babysit her kids(just to make them hyper).
To Truely Hate Someone, You Must Have First, Truely Loved Them.
What do you do, when the only reason you left someone, the only reason you MADE yourself stop loving someone, is suddenly gone, and you’re left with the person you once loved greatly? And what do you do when you’ve moved on, and they have too, but suddenly you remember that spark? Love is a funny thing isnt it?
Good Riddance (The Time Of Your Life)
I was listening to Green Day this morning, and I couldn’t help but think of you. I’d done it all, deleted that song off of my ipod, everything, to never run across it again, and I did, by accident, in a playlist.
And it made me think about us. We don’t even talk anymore, and yet I think of you a lot, I guess that means I miss you. I don’t know, I can’t stop being mad at you long enough. Because I know, if I let myself see how petty I’m being, and I stop being mad at you, I’ll fall desperatly in love with you again.
But I’m sitting here, listening to that song, over and over. Reminiscing I suppose. We were young, and we thought we were invinvable, well, I know at least I did. It seems like ages ago, and they say that when you’re young, you can’t know what love is. But if I didn’t love you, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love. It was something new to me, and brilliant all at once. When we were together, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, I couldn’t go a day without holding you, or telling you how beautiful you were. But I suppose we had four years of being best friends to prep me for a love like that. I wish I could go back to that time a lot honestly, it was perfect to me, sitting in your room, and listening to you play your guitar, and sing me Green Day songs this one inparticular, and occasionally my requests, fighting over who got the pillow on your bed, and then deciding to share it. Watching movies and seeing things I’d never seen in them before because now suddenly love had a meaning to me, and Edward Scissorhands made me cry. Staying up till early hours of the morning, talking, and snuggling, just, being together, crawling out on your roof top, and burning inscence. When I look back on it, it seems like a movie, one of those romance movies, where the teenagers are desperatly in love. That should have tipped me off that it wouldn’t last, those things never do.
You taught me so much, and not just physical things, you taught me how to love, how to laugh, and how to enjoy the simple things. I suppose I owe you for that, because someone had to teach them to me. And it’s not so much as that I’m in love with you anymore, its that I love what we had, and I suppose that anger comes from you taking that away from me. This is the summer that I was supposed to go to Europe with you. One day, I will see that was not the best time in my life, because I feel like that is about to being.. But then, I will forgive you, and I will show up on your doorstep, with roses, apologizing, for leaving, for my pride, for everything, and ask to..be your best friend again. Then, maybe, we can take that trip to Europe, but until then, I will just…keep avoiding listening to this song.
“It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right, I hope you had the time of your life.”