There’s always that one lover that you swear you’ll never stop loving.
Until one day, you’ll meet another person, so miraculous and beautiful so absolutely right for you, that you can’t even remember that old lover’s name.
I’m So High On Misery; Can’t You See?
My clock that I know damn well is fifteen minutes fast says it’s three-thirty AM; and the only thing I can think about is you. That time at the hotel before the My Chemical Romance concert, painting our nails black on the bed. In my kitchen, giggling little girls, drunk on wine. I came up behind you and hugged you; and you gave me a kiss. You in my car trying to shove cheetos up my nose to ‘cheer me up’. Sharing Starbucks coffee with you and trading cups half-way through. And then walking the mile back to your house, holding hands and yelling at cops because you ‘had a scratchy throat and sounded like Ronnie Radke’. And then that time you told me you loved me more than coffee and wiL Francis.
And I understand now:
-Why I can’t be friends with you.
-Why I don’t feel good enough for anyone.
-Why no one is ever good enough for me.
-Why I can’t trust anyone anymore.
-And lastly why I can’t truly love anyone, not even myself.
Because I can’t forget those things long enough. And I know that makes me the weaker person; and I still love you. For those two things I am, truly sorry.
Silver and Cold
And sometimes everything feels like it’s crushing down on you at once and you just want to cry.
Old habits die hard.
And every time you come back into my life I find it hard to even breathe. I love you so much it litterly aches, I’ve never gotten over it because I won’t allow myself to cry or to deal with these emotions. So I simply can’t function with you in my life.
How do you say “goodbye” when you’ve hardly said “hello”? :
“The only way we know how.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Let’s fuck ‘till the sun goes up because we haven’t got long but we’ve got enough. A night to remember, a day to forget.
We’re young and in love, heart attacks waiting to happen, so come a little closer, tell me it’s all in our heads.
We’re young and in love, heart attacks waiting to happen, so come a little closer, tell me those three little words.”
It’s been almost two years. It will be two years on November 1st. The last time we kissed, and the last time said I loved you. Sick that I keep track of it isn’t it?
Sicker that I still love you.
Good Riddance (The Time Of Your Life)
I was listening to Green Day this morning, and I couldn’t help but think of you. I’d done it all, deleted that song off of my ipod, everything, to never run across it again, and I did, by accident, in a playlist.
And it made me think about us. We don’t even talk anymore, and yet I think of you a lot, I guess that means I miss you. I don’t know, I can’t stop being mad at you long enough. Because I know, if I let myself see how petty I’m being, and I stop being mad at you, I’ll fall desperatly in love with you again.
But I’m sitting here, listening to that song, over and over. Reminiscing I suppose. We were young, and we thought we were invinvable, well, I know at least I did. It seems like ages ago, and they say that when you’re young, you can’t know what love is. But if I didn’t love you, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to love. It was something new to me, and brilliant all at once. When we were together, I couldn’t take my eyes off of you, I couldn’t go a day without holding you, or telling you how beautiful you were. But I suppose we had four years of being best friends to prep me for a love like that. I wish I could go back to that time a lot honestly, it was perfect to me, sitting in your room, and listening to you play your guitar, and sing me Green Day songs this one inparticular, and occasionally my requests, fighting over who got the pillow on your bed, and then deciding to share it. Watching movies and seeing things I’d never seen in them before because now suddenly love had a meaning to me, and Edward Scissorhands made me cry. Staying up till early hours of the morning, talking, and snuggling, just, being together, crawling out on your roof top, and burning inscence. When I look back on it, it seems like a movie, one of those romance movies, where the teenagers are desperatly in love. That should have tipped me off that it wouldn’t last, those things never do.
You taught me so much, and not just physical things, you taught me how to love, how to laugh, and how to enjoy the simple things. I suppose I owe you for that, because someone had to teach them to me. And it’s not so much as that I’m in love with you anymore, its that I love what we had, and I suppose that anger comes from you taking that away from me. This is the summer that I was supposed to go to Europe with you. One day, I will see that was not the best time in my life, because I feel like that is about to being.. But then, I will forgive you, and I will show up on your doorstep, with roses, apologizing, for leaving, for my pride, for everything, and ask to..be your best friend again. Then, maybe, we can take that trip to Europe, but until then, I will just…keep avoiding listening to this song.
“It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right, I hope you had the time of your life.”