I was looking over old conversations I’d had when I was younger, four years ago to be exact. And honestly, that’s like, one of the worst times I had in my life, and if at all possible, I try and avoid it. Though sometimes I run over it, or accidentally stumble upon it. When I do that, there’s no way to avoid it. At that point though, I reflect, remember some things, and see what’s come from it. Because, at that point in my life, I made a lot of mistakes, but I don’t regret a single one. It was something I wanted to do at that point, and they were all lessons, I needed to learn.
So I sat here today, looking through things, seeing what I did, who I dated, how long, those kinds of things. I saw myself trying my hardest to be something I wasn’t just to please those around me. I saw myself trying my best to satisfy someone insatiable in an attempt to keep them. And I shook my head at myself. My first thought was ‘I was so fucking stupid.’ but that’s not true. If I hadn’t had those experiences, I wouldn’t know what I do now, I would still be ignorant. I had to try and please everyone to see that, it was impossible and no one liked you any more or less. To see that at least when I’m 100% myself people and see that and respect me for it. I had to be young and foolish, and fall head over heels to know what I expected of love. And I had to loose it, to know how precious it could be.
I had to feel betrayed, to know what it was like to really have something, to have someone on your side. And I had to experience hate to experience love. More over, I had to learn to love myself before I could really learn to love someone else. And one of the things that shocked me, was a message I’d sent to an ex saying, ‘well you know you could compliment me once and a while.’ For the love of god, my girlfriend calls me handsome and I say ‘I know.’ When did that happen?
Its kind of like you wake up one day, and everything makes sense. You’ve learned something from everything. You’ve learned what really matters and what really doesn’t. You haven’t become jaded, you’ve simply learned to question things not take them as they come. Learned to crave for knowledge, and learned in the end the only one that can help you, is you. Honestly, you also learn to forgive those who hurt you. It doesn’t matter what they did, they taught you something, sitting around, hating them, you’re still giving them the power to control you, and your thoughts. So if they really hurt you, they don’t deserve that.
I think what I’m really trying to say, is that I’m shocked how much I grew up. How when I thought I knew everything I knew nothing especially compared to what I know now. Though, even now I’m so aware there is so much in life I’m ignorant to. But that’s okay, I’m not supposed to know it all at once, that’s what growing up is. And a few years in my life, that I thought would leave scars forever. Not so much, it’s not pain, it’s a reminder. A reminder of mistakes, of loss, and of hurt.
But the thing is, I can look at my girlfriend right now, and say ‘I love you, and I want to marry you one day.’ and I damn well know I mean it. If those years were to be erased from my life, I wouldn’t have the slightest clue what that actually meant or how precious it was that I felt that way, or how even so more precious she did also. Everything in your life, that is wrong, every mistake, every cut, every knife in your back, every drop of blood sweat and tears, it hurts…it hurts bad, and it takes a while to heal, but it teaches you something. And it opens doors for you. The fact of it all is, without those bad experiences, without those mistakes, and wounds so deep we think we’ll die, we are nothing.
There’s always that one lover that you swear you’ll never stop loving.
Until one day, you’ll meet another person, so miraculous and beautiful so absolutely right for you, that you can’t even remember that old lover’s name.
To Truely Hate Someone, You Must Have First, Truely Loved Them.
What do you do, when the only reason you left someone, the only reason you MADE yourself stop loving someone, is suddenly gone, and you’re left with the person you once loved greatly? And what do you do when you’ve moved on, and they have too, but suddenly you remember that spark? Love is a funny thing isnt it?